Ranting.

Not only do I despised my body, I hate my personality completely. I hate everything about myself. I have few friends that actually care about me and i realized my closet friend pities me. I wish i could speak my mind and tell people off. I'm tired of stupid people pushing me around. I'm tired of my family reminding me that I'm getting fat. I'm tired of eating to comfort myself. I'm tired for causing pity all the time. Gosh, I think I'm just emotional today. Nothing comes out as planned for me and sometimes i feel like I'm alone in this world. If only I was stronger. :/

It's been a while.

not me. pshh. but i wish.

Senior year is almost ending. Prom is only two days away and I've giving up. I reached my highest weight 119 and i look disgusting in my dress. I don't know what happened. oh, no i know what happened. I've been eating like a pig. I deserved it. I want to hide in a cave and never come out. I want to rip my stomach open and take all the the fat away.. lol i kid i kid. But the good news is that I'm back. I'll do my best to keep my progress up to date. So expect more from me. :)

For the last three days i didn't restrict as much as i wanted to, but i didnt binge either. So it's good. I'm still drinking plenty of water and I've been doing crunches during my spare time. In the morning, afternoon and in the night. Listening to good music helps. :). Ahh. I'm so tired. Today, I ran 13 miles in 3 hours. It was not my fastest but it sure got me tired. I was on the verge of collapsing since i didn't eat anything. Once I finished i got a piece of banana, granola bar, and 3 pieces of bagel. I was starving. >.<

Good thing winter break is over. I start school on Monday and I'm going back to restricting as much as possible. Argghh.. I'm in pain. My sore legs ache from the run but it was worth every sweat. My stomach looks pretty slimmer now but I really want my hip bones to protrude. That would be a lovely sight :). Not a lot of people have a nice figure in my school and it would be nice if i was one of the few :)
I must hang on. In the end everything will pay off. right. Well, I'm off


Stay strong <3
And never lose sight of your goals. :]

In Control :D

ONE DAY.........
Yesterday was very successful.

Intake:
Half Banana
Candy Cane
3 sticks of doublemint
______________________
less than 300 calories. :)

Today's Intake
2 Cups of Coffee
2 sticks of doublemint
& 1/3 of banana.
___________________
less than 230 calories. :D


I've been drinking tons of water in the meantime.
It makes you feel full.
Also when my stomach is really growling i just go to sleep.
and yes sleeping works miracles.
It suppresses the hunger for a bit.
Hopefully, I don't have a relapse and start binging.
Lying to your body is easy.
I've notice when you're constantly thinking about food it makes you weak.
Entertain yourself when your bored.
you'll be less tempted.


I found this really cool website
www.freerice.com

It's a game that helps you increase your knowledge.
Every answer you get right the non-profits website donates 10 grains of rice for the hungry.

Kinda ironic right?.

but yeah check it out! :)


Anyways, Stay strong <3.
Any questions just ask.

New Expectations.

Time passes so fast. I'm getting old and hardly anything has changed. I still am that fat lard. The holidays weren't so great. I gave in. I gave in!. I hate myself. Now I have to work extra hard to lose the pounds i gained. I'm back to 110. I was doing well when school was in session.I exercise obsessively. Also my thoughts didn't linger to the food in the refrigerator. Of course, since its a new years I have a list of resolutions. I need a breakthrough. I want to weight my lowest by the end of January and if that doesn't work hell will break lose. I also have to change my habits completely and that would take more that control. I was considering severely punishing myself. haha. I still don't know how or what. It's just a thought. I mean this is something I really want since the longest and i wont let nothing or anyone stand in my way. I have completely stop eating meat and turn into a vegetarian.Man, that gives you plenty of excuses to stop eating what's in your plate. I really stuck to it and my diet mostly consist of food with less fat in it. So why cant i shed those forsaken pounds. Its really hard to explain. Mostly because after a day or two without eating properly I end up binging the next effin day. So my efforts are all in vain!. I need to start and watch my intake of calories more closely. I need to exercise everyday. I need to stop binging and find a way to preoccupied my mind so i wont be tempted. Reading might work. If i eat i must burn those calories. I might do the 2468 diet. I need to lose those pounds. I need to be thin. That's all I really need.

Please, dont hold me down.

Gosh, my head is killing me. I was crying last night because my boyfriend dumped me. haha. I could laugh about it now because i don't care, but of course i do. I'm just pretending and I'm a good pretender. Well, I decided I need to cleanse myself so that's why I'm going to restrict my diet even more than what i do. I hate winter break because I can't run. I mean i could go to the park but i just get lazy and when school was in session i would run, have soccer, and just going to school was an exercise. Uhm i want to go on a water fast for about 5 days to see how it goes, but even that seems impossible. I need someone for support. :( and i have none. moomoo. I'm a alone in this world. I think I'll start tomorrow and I'll keep everything updated. I wish i had a weight scale but that would be very suspicious. I haven't weight myself for quite a while now but I've notice my collar bones protrude more and 1 bone in my chest that shows also my legs are getting thinner in a way. Only one can notice these difference since we get so used to our body, but knowing how much you really weight is best. I'm going to take pictures of my changes from start to finish maybe that would be sort of proof. :). Ok then bye-bye.
Stay Strong <3
:)

My Obsession

I longed to be skinny, light, free of all insecurities. My eating habits disgust me. I wish i were accepted. I hate how I look. I'm tired of being just average. I want to look like that one girl. I want him to think I'm perfect and tell me how beautiful i look today. I want to smile and know that he is being sincere. I'm walking the path of self-destruction. Starving to become someone distant but admired secretly by the girls who wishfully want that but don't have the will power. I want to be that girl they look up too. Strong from the inside but weak and feeble from the outer. I don't want to crave no longer food but thinness. I want my bones to show, be light as a petal, and swayed along with the blowing of the wind.